Dina Martina: The Real Divine Miss M

Dina Martina's "semi-awaited" show performed Sunday at the Rebar in Seattle. Even on a sunny Sunday afternoon, the place was packed, and the bar had to re-arrange the seating configuration to fit in a few more enthusiastic fans.

Shouting "Stop the world, I want to get on!" Dina burst onto the stage in a cringe-worthy, ill-fitting lime green dress--complete with the hairy back, some stray bra straps, and the in-your-face camel toes (don't ask). Dina informed the audience that she had just returned from performing in Las Vegas--where she said she was not born but "breaded"--and was delighted to come back to the "moist regions" of Seattle. She encouraged her fans to "leave their expectations at the door," and to join her in a rare treat of "17 hours of sensory deprivation and world class filler."

She then proceeded to barrel on through some show tunes in her usual tone-deaf fashion. One crowd-pleasing number was "That's Why the Lady is a Tramp," which contained Dina's own version of the lyrics--pertaining to "maple bars" and "stealing cars."

In between her stupefyingly jaw-dropping songs, her scary best friend Dorene put in an appearance. There was also film footage of Dina starring in Bryman College spoofs; and of course free gifts for her fans, including a chocolate nose and strawberry gummy penises.

Throughout the show, Dina was accompanied by the talented Chris Jeffries on piano, who played a great "straight man" to Martina's excruciating zigs and zags.

Dina Martina is the brain child of Seattle performance artist Grady West, who first created her in 1989, when he performed to great applause at the Seattle Center. Since then he's taken his act across the country, to much acclaim.

While this material wasn't West's best, his performance was "high octane," as usual, and his constant presentation of new material always makes the show seem fresh. In fact, West's creation Dina Martina is unique, first-rate entertainment and pure comic genius--surely a Divine Miss M in her own right (though with a bit of a twist).

7 Steps to Growing Healthy Fruit Trees

Are you dreaming of those lazy summer days, lounging in your favorite lawn chair in the sun enjoying your fresh home-grown apples, peaches, and pears? If you live here in the Pacific Northwest, unfortunately you’re most likely to be looking at more rainy days until at least June. But don’t despair, for all of those mild, wet days are just perfect for one thing—planting fruit trees.

If you haven’t grown fruit trees before, there’s a lot to know, and it may be intimidating at first. Fruit trees do have very specific requirements, including proper pollination, insect and disease control, and some regular attention to pruning very specific to each type of tree. But if you follow these 7 simple basic steps, you’ll be well on your way to many fruit-filled days.

1) Select the Correct Variety for Your Geographic Area—Fruit trees have very specific heat and chilling requirements, and something that will do well in California might not do well here in western Washington. For example, Prunus persica ‘Frost’ (Frost peach) is one of the most reliable peaches for the wet Seattle area—peaches generally prefer hotter, dryer climates. This is where your local nurserymen (and women) can help you select the best varieties. Specialty nursery staff are much more knowledgeable than the big box stores.

2) Plant in the Dormant Season—In general, always try to plant when trees are not actively growing—preferably during mild, rainy seasons when the temperature is above freezing (winter and early spring in most places). This is the least stressful time for planting trees and shrubs, and it will give your plant adequate time to settle in and develop a healthy root system.

3) Choose the Right Location for Your Tree—Fruit trees require a lot of sun for good fruit production; six hours of sunlight a day is ideal. Make sure you have enough space for the size tree you have chosen. Trees can be small columnar varieties which will fit in a large pot, all the way up to trees 20 feet or more; make sure you have adequate space for the mature tree.

4) Select Insect and Disease-Resistant Varieties—Unfortunately, you may have to provide some insect and disease control for good fruit production, but you will be way ahead of the game if you select varieties that are most resistant to the insects and diseases in your area. Ask your nursery folk which plants require the least spraying, and which are resistant to the problems in your area. But also learn about preventing insect and disease problems, if necessary.

5) Make Sure You Have Good Pollination—While some fruit trees are self-fertile, most will require a second tree of another variety to pollinate your fruit tree to get good fruit production (unless you luck out and a neighbor has one nearby that is compatible). If you’re short on space, one nifty way to get around this is to purchase an all-in-one plant that has several fruit varieties grafted onto one rootstock; you’ll get your plant pollinated—plus the added bonus of several varieties of fruit in one tree. I recently planted an all-in-one cherry (pictured) with Van, Rainier, Stella, and Bing on one tree. Skye Nursery in Shoreline even has a “Fruit Cocktail” tree which has apricots, peaches, and plums all on one tree! (I’m intrigued, but haven’t tried it yet).

6) Properly Care for Your Fruit Trees From Planting to Harvest—At planting, dig a hole twice as wide as the root ball; water the container—or soak the roots, if bare root; plant it, and water it in again; then water weekly during the drier months. Fertilize the tree a couple of times a year. Learn about pruning, and insect and disease control. Many nurseries have great free classes.

7) Learn How to Prune Your Tree—Every fruit tree is pruned a little differently, so take time to learn how to prune your specific type of tree. Then get on a regular pruning schedule. I took an excellent class for free at Skye Nursery which included a 1 ½ hour lecture; slides; hands-on pruning demonstrations; and hand-outs on pollination and insect and disease control. It was great, but I’m sure Molbak’s, Swanson’s, and other nurseries in the Seattle area also provide education for free. Check out their websites.

This may all seem like a lot to learn at first. But if you follow these simple steps, you’ll be well on your way to growing healthy, productive fruit trees.

Cockatiels Have Much to Teach New Owner

Not long ago I started thinking about how nice it might be to liven up the home front by getting another pet. Maybe it was just my biological clock ticking, or maybe I just wanted that warm fuzzy feeling of something—well, warm and fuzzy (or feathery).

I briefly considered a puppy. What could be more engaging, livelier, and more loving? But then I thought of: accidents on the Oriental rug; digging in the flower garden; and neighbors complaining of incessant barking. I thought of my favorite childhood pet, a loveable though incorrigible Labrador retriever who was an expert escape artist; he enjoyed romping in swamps, swimming in the country club pool whenever he got the chance, and even fell through the ice on the local pond on several occasions (which required rescue by our friendly local fire department).

In other words—I came to my senses. A dog would just require too much training and time commitment. What, then? Our family had always had a large menagerie of pets when I was growing up (much to my father’s dismay). There were: cats and dogs; parrots, cockatiels, and parakeets; guinea pigs, gerbils, rabbits, and hamsters; and even hermit crabs, turtles, lizards, and snakes (my mother, an avid animal lover, drew the line at the boa constrictor). What about a bird, maybe a parrot?

My wonderful grandmother had given me an Amazon parrot when I was about ten years old, and I’d fallen in love with him. I’d had a series of very painful spinal surgeries which left me bedridden in a body cast for nearly two years, and he was a great source of company and comfort. A parrot—or some kind of bird—would bond with people, yet be smaller, more manageable, and easier to care for, I reasoned.
Little did I know.

I started my search for a parrot, but soon realized they required much more space and time than I had (not to mention the fact that they were extremely expensive). I finally decided upon a cockatiel, remembering cockatiels to be affectionate and entertaining, and soon found the perfect bird.

“Aussie” was a beautiful yellow Lutino cockatiel I found online, available for adoption from my local animal shelter. He was a stray that had been found at a local park, and was available for just five dollars. Five dollars—what a deal, I thought! I sat with Aussie for a while amongst all of the gerbils and rats and rabbits also available at the shelter. While he would not get on my finger, he did not seem overly frightened by my hand in his cage if I spoke softly to him, so I decided he had potential. He even came with a “free” vet check.

I excitedly took my new friend to get his “free” vet check. A friendly cockatiel greeted me from his spot on the front counter when I arrived for my appointment at a local avian veterinary clinic. I soon found out the exam, however, was not free, but 50% off a $220.00 avian exam, which would include blood, fecal, and culture lab tests. I was reminded here that there is no such thing as a free or inexpensive pet—all pets will require some expense, whether it is for food, supplies, or veterinary care.

The vet was nice and informative, though. He told me to feed my new bird pellets (not seeds, as I had many years ago), and lots of fresh fruits and vegetables. He also told me, after carefully examining the markings under the wings and on the tail, that “he” was probably a “she” (though he did say sex couldn’t be absolutely confirmed without a DNA test). Off I went with some free food samples and my newly “female” pet cockatiel.

After purchasing a new cage and some bird food on my way home, I finally settled Aussie into a quiet area in my office by the window. It only took a week of quality time and hand feeding treats before Aussie decided I was her best buddy. She wanted out all of the time, riding around on my shoulder and putting her head down for scratches. In fact, she was a bit too friendly, screeching loudly for me every time I left the room or put her back in her cage. I figured she had some abandonment issues, having been a stray, so paid attention to her as much as I could, but she was very demanding.

One problem I had not really thought through was the cat issue. I had two cats, which would howl for attention and hurl themselves against the office door if I was in there talking to my bird. So I would come out, and pay attention to the cats, and then Aussie would scream for me from the office! Back I would go into the office. Or, I’d put the cats outdoors, and the bird would come out into the living room (then the cats would scratch on the front door and meow mournfully). It got pretty comical. How exactly did our family keep all of those animals sorted out when we were growing up? The important thing here is that while big parrots may be able to defend themselves against cats, smaller birds should always be kept separate from cats.

Aussie had definitely bonded with me, but after a few months I began to wonder if she shouldn’t have a friend. She wanted my attention all day long when I was home, but had no one to keep her company when I was at work. I finally decided to seek a companion for her. I decided I should get another female, since I didn’t want any babies.

But first I needed to get a bigger cage for the two birds. I soon purchased a $250.00cockatiel condo; I realized I was now in over my head monetarily, but there was no turning back now! The new gargantuan cage took over half of my office…

Off I went to find another girl bird. That was the next problem—no one at the pet stores had a clue what their birds’ sexes were. I finally found a breeder 40 miles away out in the boonies who had a beautiful little four month old pearl pied female cockatiel.

I took the frightened little girl home and quickly named her “Kiwi.”
Kiwi, a cute little spotted bird, was supposed to be hand-fed, but was petrified at first. I put her in the smaller cage in my bedroom, where she stared wide-eyed, frozen in shock and not eating for a good three days. I was worried about her, but the breeder reassured me and sent me special recipes for the scared baby. And sure enough, after three days, she began to chow down and investigate her new home.

Aussie, meanwhile, was in a separate room in the office in her cockatiel condo. Though she did not appear to appreciate the luxury accommodations, the vet and breeder recommended that the birds be kept separate for three to four weeks to rule out any contagious illnesses. But Aussie definitely didn’t like the reduced attention she was now getting, and told me so at every opportunity.

After four weeks, Kiwi became quite affectionate, and enjoyed perching on my hand and getting chin and head scratches. She also liked snuggling under my chin while I watched TV or read. Soon Kiwi too was screeching for me every time I left the room. I now had Kiwi, Aussie, and both the cats vying for my attention—it was a regular three-ring circus! I thought it was about time to introduce the two birds to each other.

I eagerly waited for the day of introduction. Excitedly I made room for Kiwi’s smaller cage next to Aussie’s “condo” in the office. I slowly brought Kiwi’s cage into the room and opened Aussie’s door, awaiting their reaction. And what happened? Well—absolutely nothing! They didn’t even look at each other. Even when I put Aussie on Kiwi’s cage, they acted as if neither one of them even existed. It was the strangest thing. I had expected some sort of territorial fighting, like cats or dogs, but—nothing happened. It had not occurred to me that since they were most likely both hand raised by humans, they would be more oriented towards people than other birds.

After a few more weeks of uneventful side-by-side living, I put the younger girl Kiwi in the big cage with Aussie. Here Kiwi, despite being the younger bird, showed a bit more dominance. Though she was not exactly aggressive, she would try to hog the food, and demand all of my attention. I tried to be careful about giving them each separate food dishes, equal treats, and equal “quality time,” but Kiwi definitely seemed to be having some jealousy issues. They finally settled on their own places on me when out—Kiwi always sat on my shoulder or snuggled under my chin, while Aussie sat on my knee. But if I gave Aussie too many head scratches, Kiwi would angrily chase her competition off my knee!

So the two of them tolerated each other—but lived for me. They screeched non-stop for my attention if they were in their cage, or they felt ignored. So into the office I’d go with special treats and chin scratches. Meanwhile, the cats moped forlornly for attention just outside the door.

Yes, the birds now had me under their control…or maybe they were just out of control. I wasn’t sure yet. I only knew that I wasn’t exactly the Bird Whisperer. And I had to be on my toes and pay attention every minute when they were out. One day I looked away momentarily, and when I turned back, Aussie was drinking my beer, and Kiwi had run off with three of my computer keys (I got two back, but the “j” key was a total loss). Beware that plastic sheets will not protect your computer from the sharp beaks of birds gone bad! And don’t give your birds beer—alcohol is not good for their health.

Well, it’s been a while now since I first got Aussie and Kiwi, and things have settled down a bit since then. However, recently I took Aussie to a second vet for a minor feather lose issue, and this avian vet said—Aussie might be a male after all! Uh oh, I thought to myself…wish these vets could get their stories straight!

I still go running when my birds call for me. I know I’m just reinforcing bad behavior, maybe encouraging the screeching…but they’re just so darn cute.

Besides, who knows—they could have me fully trained any day now.